Getting Older... and Sucking


I was watching TV the other day (something I've been known to do) and I saw the umteenth commercial from Cadillac with Led Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll" (my next-to-least favorite song of theirs)... The more I hear it, the more I tend to want to cringe. Yeah, old bands sell their music to big corporations all the time, so that a bunch of young kids that never had a chance to hear them when they meant anything may stop for a millisecond and wonder who they are before dropping another tab of ecstacy and raving to Moby all night. But it got me thinkin'...

I guess you could say that there are a few different types of musicians in the business. First there is the type that gets out of the business after they realize they are no longer viable. Hooray to you.

Then, I suppose, you have the type of musician that tragically dies before their time, i.e., Hendrix, Shannon Hoon, Layne Staley, Stevie Ray Vaughn, etc...

Then you have the type that goes on doing the same thing they always have done, even after they are no longer viable, ending up playing county fairs for the rest of their careers, such as [insert '80s hairband still trying to make a "comeback," here].

Then you have the type that tries to "remain relevant" to the times. Rarely is this successfully pulled off, with notable exceptions like the Eagles, (what remains of) the Who, and Fleetwood Mac, who can still pack pretty hefty arenas.

And this brings us to my final category of aging rock star - "the complete sellout." The first band that comes to mind is KISS, who have marketed everything from chocolate milk to coffins to you name it - they sell it... They were cool for a long time, but now they're just a joke and it's time to get on with ending this eight year-long "farewell tour" thing... Farewell already, guys... You can call Led Zep sellouts if you want for selling a song to Cadillac - I don't, simply because of the fact that they haven't even been a band for about twenty years.
Then you have the sellouts along the line of Rod Stewart who, in my opinion, is pulling of the cardinal sin of sellouts by transforming himself into something totally ridiculous and abominable. Michael Bolton did it first, yeah, but he totally sucked from the get-go. At least Rod had some classic rock hits in the late '60s and '70s (and yeah, the '80s, too). And now he's trying to pass himself off as today's Tony Bennett... Hey Rod, today's Tony Bennett is - well, Tony Bennett... And then to see Rod hawking Suzuki automobiles with "The Way You Look, Tonight" is just ridiculous. We're not talking Cadillac, or BMW, or Lexus, or Infiniti, or Jaguar (which brings to mind another sellout ego-trip, Sting), or Porsche... it's a Suzuki... And it's not like he sold them an old song like "Forever Young" or something like that, it's retreaded crap from his new album...

So, is there a lesson to be learned from all of this? Well, maybe something like "if you suck, just stop for God's sake."

Listening to: "Chris Robinson's New Earth Mud" (2002)