Rolling Stone Magazine Pulls Another Complete Boner
AKA, "100 More Reasons Why Rolling Stone Magazine Sucks"


I stumbled onto this list earlier today - Rolling Stone Magazine's 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time. The first thing I thought was the fact that I didn't know that such a list existed. After subscribing to the magazine for a few years in the mid-'90s, I had come to the conclusion that people that read Rolling Stone magazine nowadays care more about Eminem's buff chest or Christina Aguilera's titty-nipple piercing than actual music stuff... About the only thing Rolling Stone magazine is good for, anymore, is emergency shitter paper... and this is after sixty-grit sandpaper and porcupine carcasses (the wrong way).

Then, I tried to figure out if this was a "reader's poll," or did some poor soul of a writer compile this list on his own? If it's compiled by one person, they should be fired and beaten, severely... and if it's a reader's poll, then Rolling Stone magazine readers really are fucking idiots...

Also worth noting is that a recent "100 Greatest Albums of All Time" article was a pile of garbage, too... but this list is so full of shit, it's laughable... let's start with the top ten, shall we?

1. Jimi Hendrix - Well, I like Hendrix... In fact, I own a buttload of his music... but, is he the greatest guitarist of all time? Not hardly... He was just doing stuff that people weren't doing at the time, with gear they didn't have (like fuzztones, wah pedals, big burly Marshall stacks, etc.)... He was rather experimental, but so were about a thousand other guitarists at the time... Top twenty? Sure... #1? Nope...

2. Duane Allman - I don't have anything against Duane... He was a great guitarist... But he is hardly the #2 guitarist, ever...

3. B.B. King - Give me a break... I wouldn't put him in the top fifty, let alone the top five. Sure, he's a good guitarist... but he's not "ground breaking" by any stretch of the imagination... he sits and plays the same licks over and over and over (and over), and goobers think he's the shit... he's good, but nothing special, at all...

4. Eric Clapton - Totally overrated guitarist... I loved the stuff he did with Blind Faith and Cream, and the stuff he's done recently with blues music is good, too (look for a CD of Robert Johnson covers in March '04)... but about everything in between is total junk... People thought he was great because "he's Clapton" from Cream or the Bluesbreakers or whatever and continued to buy his sucky music... again, totally overrated.

5. Robert Johnson - So... how does this list work, exactly? Robert Johnson was basically a blues singer that accompanied himself on guitar... He was one of those early blues "pioneers," but he was certainly nothing important as far as the guitar goes... This one really confused me. If Robert Johnson is #5, then John Lee Hooker (not on the list) would have to be #6... and he's not... so this list is stupid... as far as blues guitarists go, Bonnie Raitt and Kevin Moore (a.k.a. "Keb' Mo'") play circles around Robert Johnson, but they're not on the list, either... fucking joke...

6. Chuck Berry - Just because you do stuff that other people hadn't done before you, it doesn't make you a "great guitarist." Berry plays like a slob and is one of the hardest people on the planet to work with (just watch "Hail, Hail Rock and Roll" if you don't believe me). Berry's bandmates far surpassed him, talent-wise, over the years... again, it just looks like people were thinking of names they could remember and goin', "Oh yeah... He's great..."

7. Stevie Ray Vaughn - Finally, someone deserving to be in the top ten, albeit too low... SRV was amazing... He's definitely top three material... But you got one right, even if you didn't know where to put him...

8. Ry Cooder - really good guitarist... not remotely top ten-worthy, though...

9. Jimmy Page - Again, top three material... The day that B.B. King is a better guitarist than Jimmy Page is the day that I subscribe to Rolling Stone magazine, again... and I got news for ya... it's not gonna happen...

10. Keith Richards - I love the Rolling Stones... absolutely love tons of their music from all the different eras of Stones stuff... but as much as I love the Stones, I couldn't put Keith Richards in the top ten of a "Greatest Guitarist Ever" list... good guitarist... not a top ten guitarist, though... (This list is looking more and more like a popularity contest and not anything with any kind of validity, whatsoever)

Ah... but it get's even better... look at some other picks and their positions:

11. Kirk Hammett - Are you fucking serious? Sure, he was part of some really groundbreaking music in the '80s, but a.) he's not that good of a guitarist, at all and b.) everything he's done since 1986 has totally sucked... and most of it has been so mangled by the use of a wah pedal... Well... this is just another one of those stupid picks... Maybe top 100, low in the list of all time great guitarists... maybe... (Original Metallica guitarist) Dave Mustaine blows his fucking doors off, though.

12. Kurt Cobain - Okay... Hold it, right there. Could Kurt Cobain even fucking play a guitar??? I think it's pretty safe to say that Kurt was a songwriter first, a singer second, and a weak-assed guitarist third (apparently Dave Grohl couldn't do it all for them, then). He could play a Barre chord for days, sure, but what 8th grader that's been taking lessons for two months couldn't? Shit, his drummer is ten times better a guitarist than him... this is just sad...

16. Johnny Ramone - C'mon, folks... This is getting kinda stupid at this point... The Ramones were great, I'll always love 'em... but Johnny Ramone is not #16 in the all-time scheme of things...

17. Jack White of the White Stripes - this is probably the most embarassing pick of the entire list (no, wait... there's a couple other beauties coming up)... What's this guy been around for, now? Two years? What's he done, now? Two fucking albums? There's simply no way in HELL he deserves to be on this list at all, let alone at #17... This pick proves the popularity contest theory pretty well, I think... Again... you're retards...

18. John Frusciante of RHCP - I like John... Bloodsugarsexmagick is one awesome album... Mother's Milk ain't too bad, either... but is he a top twenty of all time kind of player, or even songwriter? Not in a bazillion years...

26. Tom Morello of Audioslave - I first listened to this guy back in the late '80s when he was in a band called Lock Up, and his eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh shit got tired quick, then... and it certainly does now, also... This list is quickly becoming a waste...

30. Buddy Guy - no way... not a chance... This guy is a circus sideshow clown... You're totally just picking names out of a hat now, aren't you? Admit it...

31. Dick Dale - ???????? Are you serious? Name ONE song the guy did... You can't... You know why? Because he a surf-guitar nobody... I thought it was funny seeing him in that car commercial, recently... more like sad, actually...

The fact that Bo Diddley (#37) is ranked ahead of Queen's Brian May (#39) is completely laughable... In fact, I'm laughing right now...

45. Frank Zappa - Probably even more laughable is the fact that Tom Morello, Buddy Guy, Dick Dale, and Bo Diddley are ranked ahead of Frank Zappa... Frank was an incredible musician, and that included his work on the guitar... He could make your head spin with some of his riffs... I could probably name fifty solos from Zappa songs that would make Jack White look like a blithering idiot... but I won't... besides, Jack does a pretty good job of it on his own...

49. Mahavishnu John McLaughlin - another totally fucked up placement of an amazing talent...

60. Ike Turner - Oh, COME ON!!!! This list has to be a practical joke on us, right??? This pick is so stupid, I'm not even gonna comment on it... I mean, has anyone that picked this bozo ever even heard him play?

61. Zoot Horn Rollo of the Magic Band - ummmmmmmmmm... WHO???? I think someone is smoking some of the good shit...

70. Edward Van Halen - Okay... With this pick, you've gone from smoking dope straight to mainlining laundry detergent... Granted, I haven't liked much of what he's done since about 1985, but Eddie has done more singlehandedly to change the face of music and the way we look at guitar than most of this list combined... His technical mastery of the instrument may never be surpassed by anyone, ever. His songwriting was some of the catchiest shit to ever grace anyone's ears, ever... The worst part of this is the fact that Ike Turner and Zoot Horn Rollo are ranked higher than him... That's basically disgusting... If Eddie Van Halen's not in the top five of everyone's lists (if not the top two or three), the list has no credibility... Oh, yeah... did I mention that Rolling Stone has the credibility of a smelly gym sock?

72. Joni Mitchell - Nothing against Joni, or anything, but the day that she ranks ahead of people like Randy Rhoads and David Gilmour in a guitarist poll is a sad day indeed for guitarist polls...

75. Adam Jones of TooL - At least he's on the list... He's a musical genius, pure and simple. He does "more with less" than most any guitarist around... I was surprised that he was on the list, honestly... but he is, and far too low...

82. David Gilmour of Pink Floyd (did I really need to add what band he's from?) - Again, another sad pick... How can you put one of the coolest players in the world so low in the list? My guess is that if anyone knew what the guitar player for Kid Rock's name is, he'd be in this list... probably in the top twenty, because the people who compiled this list are fucking ignorant toadies...

85. Randy Rhoads - This is just getting pathetic at this point... I always thought the Rhoads-era studio records were "pretty good," I suppose... There was just an element of "overdoing it" in the production, I guess you could say... Layers upon layers of guitars, punch-ins, and the like... but the fact that he could double and triple some of those guitar parts speaks volumes about the man's talent... Inevitably, though, all it should take is one listen to Tribute to see Randy Rhoads' genius, which was his live playing. I always wondered how well he would pull off some of the studio stuff live, and he certainly does... How he isn't in the top five is just baffling... unless, of course, this list is a piece of shit... which it is...

86. Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath - Earth to list maker... Earth to list maker.... Hello??? Ike Turner is #60 (a man who could barely play his way out of a paper sack) and Tony Iommi is #86? How can you even publish this tripe?

87. Joan Jett - Okay, now just a god damned minute, here... Can someone, anyone, PLEASE point out any one moment of Joan Jett's guitar prowess??? PLEASE? Did you people consult any living human beings before you printed this article?

96. Angus Young - At this point, I'm too flabbergasted to comment on such a lame placement as this...

100. Kim Thayil of Soundgarden - Again, at least he's on the list... No, Kim isn't known for great solos, or anything like that, but he is responsible for some of the best music to come out of an otherwise musically-sick '90s. How Kurt Cobain can be #12 and Kim Thayil can only be #100 is astounding... but, as I said, at least he is on the list...

So, there's most of the highlights of the list... or maybe I should say "lowlights." Probably the most embarassing thing about the list is not who's on it (although it is highly suspect), but who is not on the list... names like:

Steve Vai - Yngwie Malmsteen - Zakk Fucking Wylde - Adrian Belew - Steve Morse - Dimebag Fucking Darrell Abbott - Eric Johnson - Pat Metheny - Slash - Joe Satriani...

Granted, I'm not a big Satriani fan, at all, nor am I a huge fan of Slash, but how they could not make a list of the top 100 guitarists ever is totally beyond me... so, therefore it is nearly impossible to comment on how the others missed the list... unless I were to say that the people at Rolling Stone Magazine are incompetant boobs... and if this was a reader's poll, the people at Rolling Stone magazine are still incompetant boobs... I mean, how the fuck do you leave Steve Vai (let alone Johnson, Wylde, Dimebag, Malmsteen, etc.) off of a list of greatest guitarists? They are virtuosi... period... They know what the hell they are doing on a guitar. They prove it over and over and over, every night that they strap their guitars on and go out in front of a crowd and blow people's minds with some seriously sick guitar playing...

Are you sure you guys didn't leave Fred Durst off the list by mistake? I mean considering the fact that he claims he writes all of his shitty band's guitar parts, I would have thought that you Rolling Stone asskiss tweakers would have put him in there, somewhere... While you're at it, why don't you throw Dale Earnhardt, Tom Hanks, and the guy that invented Velcro in the list, too? It would make about as much sense as some of your other picks.

For the record, here's my top ten or so, anyway... in no particular order, because I wouldn't want to insult them by putting them in a "place":

-Jimmy Page
-Stevie Ray Vaughn
-Eddie Van Halen
-Steve Vai
-Dimebag Darrell
-David Gilmour
-Adam Jones
-Chet Atkins
-Pat Metheny
-Randy Rhoads
-Zoot Horn "Who the Fuck Am I?" Rollo... err... I mean Ike "Beat Your Ass" Turner... err... I mean Eric Johnson

...with highly honorable mentions going out to Zakk Wylde, Adrian Belew, Frank Zappa, Steve Morse, Charlie Hunter, Chris Whitley, Lindsey Buckingham, Trevor Rabin, Alex Lifeson, Dean DeLeo, Jimi Hendrix, Prince (yes, that's right, I said Prince - that little man can jam the shit out of a guitar for days), and I'm sure several others that have eluded me for the moment.

The bottom line is that Rolling Stone magazine hasn't had much (if any) credibility with many people for many years, now... and this list confirms it in spades... They have totally adulterated and cheapened a craft which I have spent twenty-three plus years (more than two-thirds of my entire life) doing, a craft which I truly love and cannot live without, by putting people like B.B. King at #3 and Jack White at #17 of all time... To all the hack, halfwit, retards involved in the compilation of this list, FUCK YOU and your ridiculously poor judgement. Your magazine is a horrible joke, nowadays, and shit like this list is the reason why... You should honestly and seriously be ashamed for letting something so horrendously flawed like this list ever make it to print.


This article ©2004 Anthony Phillips / Xtatic Media and cannot be reprinted in any part without permission...

Listening to: my blood pressure raise at the sight of a disgusting piece of "music journalism" as this...